Subject: Cajt Malti

Who enjoys sex more? Men or women?
Women, of course...!!!
Look at it this way: when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

Mela dal-habib tieghi FURTUN kien joqghod bieb ma bieb ma mara fqira xiha akka, mghawga, tghix waheda fl-estate ta San Girgor, iz-Zejtun. Darba giet fl-ghaxija tard ghalih u talbitu biex jigi jghamlilha pjacir jara jistax jirrangalha d-dawl fil-kcina.
Peress li kien dalam sewwa, qalilha li jigi l-ghada fil-ghodu u jaqdiha. Sadattant Furtun talab il-habib tieghu li joqghod hdejhom stess biex flimkien imorru jirrangawlha d-dawl.

Dawna meta marru f'din il-kcina kollha nugrufun u ghanqbut u hmieg, bdew ix-xoghol minnufih. Allura waqt li kienu qeghdin jahdmu raw fuq xkaffa skutella mimlija lewz u fettlilhom jibdew jieklu wahda wahda minnhom li kwazi kieluh kollu. Tant hu hekk li thassbu bejniethom: "Issa kif se naghmlu; dik se tghid li kilnielha l-lewz kollu."

FURTUN qal lill-iehor: "Tibzax issa nghidulha li hadnih u ahna hekk jew hekk m'ahna se nohdulha xejn tax-xoghol."

Malli lestew qalulha: "KUNCETT hawn lestejnielek. Ara kemm gie sew."

Wara li irringrazzjathom hafna saqsiethom xi trid thallas. Huma wegbuha: "Le ahna ma rridu xejn.. pero' rridu nghidulek li kellek dak il-lewz fl-iskutella u nghidulek is-sewwa lewza lewza kilniehulek kollu."

U hi bhal speci hahqet ftit u qaltilhom: "Ara jahasra ma gara xejn b'daqshekk. Dawk kienu qeghdin hemm ghax it-tfal tieghi meta jigu jzuruni ihobbu jgibuli l-perlini peress li jafu li jien inhobbhom hafna u billi jiena m'ghandiex snin noqghod nerdaghhom u wara li nkun erdajt sewwa l-perlini nfaddal il-lewz u nerfaghhom f'dik l-iskutella.."

Darba minnhom, dan il-kannibali jzur kannibali iehor f'lokalita' sigrieta Delimara. Kien hemm ghall-bejgh Maltin u Ghawdxin regulari ghal zewg liri l-gisem u pulitikanti ghal 100 lira l-gisem. Dal-kannibali isaqsi: "Da' kif! Ghalhiex il-pulitikanti huma daqshekk ghaljin?"
L-iehor iwiegeb: "M'hux facli, gbin, tnaddaf Pulitikant Malti!"

Mela wiehed Malti miet u mar il- Purgatorju. Hemmek sab lil San Pietru (dejjem hu jehel miskin!) li kellu bicca xoghol x'jaghmel biex jaghzel u jqassam l- erwieh fi gruppi skond in- nazzjonalita taghhom.
Lil dan ir- ragel, Pietru staqsiegh minn fejn kien gej, u dan, kollu kburi qallu: "Jien Malti, man!". San Pietru bhal donnu ried jinfaqa' jidhak u dlonk qallu biex jimxi warajh biex jiehdu fil- kamra tal- Maltin.Quddiem il- bieb sabu anglu liebes maskra tal- ossignu u kif fethu l- bieb harget riha ta' hara taqsam.
Il- Malti qallu xil- madoffi hemm fil- kamra x' riha taqsam fiha? Qabez l- anglu u qallu:
"Mhux bilfors, BOSS! Jekk kull bassa li jbossu l-Maltin jiddedikawha lill- erwieh tal- purgatorju!!!"

Mela darba kien hemm Pawlu li wara gurnata xoghol kien sejjer biex jaqbad il-karozza tal-linja biex imur id-dar. Ftit qabel ma wasal fuq il-venda lemah li l-karozza kienet diga waslet u allura qabad jigri biex jilhaqha. Izda malli kien kwazi wasal, il-karozza telqet u tilifha. Allura qal "Issa nkompli nigri u naqbadha fuq il-venda li jmiss". Pawlu kompla jigri wara din il-karozza, imma kull darba li jkun ser jilhaqha, dik terga titlaq, sakemm fl-ahhar wasal id-dar! Kif wasal, dahal, jilheg daqs kelb, ghajjien mejjet, u mar fil-kcina fejn kien hemm il-mara issajjarlu, u qallha "Lanqas temmen xi grali llum. Grejt wara il-karozza tal-linja... u iffrankajt 'seven cents'!" Minnufih il-mara daret fuqu u denditlu daqqa ta' tagen f'nofs wiccu! Dak baqa' mbellah u nofsu stordut qal, "Ajma jahasra! ghaliex tajtieli dik id-daqqa?". "Li ma kontx injorant", irrispondietu l-mara, "imissek grejt wara taxi... kont tiffranka hames liri"!

Dun Karm, qassis minn Hal-Qormi u Salvu, xufier ta' karozza fuq il-Linja tal-Mellieha, mietu l-istess jum u b'xortihom tajba it-tnejn spiccaw il-Genna.
Lydia (impjegata bhala usherette l-Genna) bjonda helwa f'mini-skirt hamrani, laqghat lil Salvu bi tbissima, poggietu fuq pultruna komodissma, u servitu refreshments komplimenti ta' San Pietru.

Cikku, usher xih akka (veteran il-genna) ibezzaq u jisghol, wera' lil Dun Karm siggu jzaqzaq ta' l-injam. Ghaxar minuti wara gablu ponn karawett biex jitrejjaq ftit.

Il-qassis ma riedx jemmen 'il-ghajnejh; "da' kif - beda jgedwed - semplici xufier hu trattat ferm ahjar minni.....!?"

Qam jara lil San Pietru. "Santita'", qallu "mhux ghax irrid ingerger, imma hemm xi zball... kif dak ix-xufier hu paxxut u trattat ahjar minni wara l-mijiet ta' prietki li ppritkajt hajti kollha?!"

"Reverendu" wiegbu mbissem San Pietru, "id-differenza hi li meta inti kont tippritka, il-fidili kienu jmorru jorqdu... waqt li meta x-xufier kien isuq, il-passiggieri kienu jroddu s-slaleb u jibdew jitolbu."

Wiehed xtara coat tal-polar bear ghal mara. Din bil-wicc tost kollu qaltlu : Issa trid tixtrili xkupilja biex innaddfu mit-trab, hmieg, baqq, ecc. Dan ta' kurnut mar go Plaza kbira biex isib din l-imbierka xkupilja. Wara sieg ha fil-kju' kien imissu hu. Tal-hanut mill-ewwel fehmu u saqsieh: issa, bie x inqabbillek l-ahjar xkupilja trid taghtini ftit dettalji ohra. Nghidu ahn a, x'tip ta'ors kien? Tal-Alaska, siberjan, Svalbardjan, Icelandic? Dan ma kienx jaf u cempel lill-mara jistaqsiha. Mar lura bir-risposta, qallu lix-x opowner Alaskan. Prosit, qallu dak, issa liem parti tal-Alaska, taf li kbir il-post: Anchorage, Juneau, Prince William Sound? Dan rega kkonsulta lil m artu telefonikament. Anchorage, qaltlu. Tal-hanut issa ried jaf jekk l-imbe rfil tal-kowt kienx lejn il-lemin, xellug jew bidirectional. Il-klijent kie n se jerga' jirrikorri ghand martu, meta dak li kien imissu warajh qallu: j importa tqabbizni wahda, habib, waqt li ccempel, jien oggett zghir irrid. Dak qallu:OK, u mar biex icempel.
Hu u jiddajalja lill-mara qaghad jinnota lil ta' warajh jikkonsulta max-xop owner: dan beda billi fetah xkora kbira u hareg maduma, tile tal-hajt, bicc a katusa, xugaman u vazett tal-gamm voluminuz b'kampjun ta' hara tghum fil- formalina. Wara dan kollu ghajjat lil mara u t-tifel, u kollha flimkien kix fu sormhom u wrewh lil tal-hanut. Dak l-imsejken klijent baqa' ssummat bit- telefon imwahhal ma' widnejh, waqt li sema' lill-iehor jitlob lil tal-hanut: "Issa qabbilli roll toilet paper, xbin!"

Dan SALVU ta' 52 sena minn Hal-Balzan kien izzewweg 'l ESTER ta' 30 sena minn Hal-Lija. Wara snin ta' zwieg felici, Salvu kellu attakk tal-qalb. It-tabib wissieh biex jaqta' s-sess ghal kollox. Allura ddecidew li hu jorqod isfel u hija torqod fuq.
Wara ftit gimghat, lejl minnhom, Salvu qataghha li l-hajja minghajr sess mhux ta min jghixha. U erhilha tiela' t-tarag.... Jiltaqa' ma Ester niezla u jghidilha: "Kont tiela' hdejk biex immut". Ester tinfaqa tidhak u tghidlu: "Jien niezla biex noqtlok!"

Grupp ta' vampiri mejtin bil-ghatx ghal qatra demm iltaqghu gol-club taghhom f'Kemmuna. Wiehed minnhom ma felahx jissaporti aktar u telaq ifittex xi persuna jew annimal f'hiex seta' ideffes in-nejbiet kbar tieghu u jirda' naqra demm.
Wara xi siegha,il-vampiri shabu rawh gej mill-boghod b'wiccu u hwejjgu kollha mcappsin bid-demm. Dlonk mar siehbu fuqu u kollu ecitat staqsiegh:" Min fejn sibtu dak id-demm kollu ja ffurtunat?"
L-iehor qallu: "Ha nghidlek Man, qieghed tarah dak it-torri?"
"Iva,iva!!" irrispondieh fuq ix-xwiek.
"Dik is-sigra li hemm hdejn it-torri qed tarha?" rega' staqsieh.
"Iva,iva,iva!!" rega' wiegbu aktar ecitat minn qabel,"qed narha,qed narha!!"
" Imma jien ma' rajthiex!!!"

Wahda mgissma Zejtunija imma misthija marret taghmel checkup ghand it-tabib, imma tant kienet tisthi illi bdiet tahsibha tinzax.
It-tabib zieghel hafna biha: "Sinjorina, jiena bniedem professjonali. Affarijiet bhal dawn huma hwejjeg ta' kuljum ghalija. Bhalek ikolli hafna. Isa...kuragg".
Imma ma riditx taf.
"Ara ha nghidlek x'naghmlu, sinjorina" qalilha t-tabib, "tridx ninvistak fid-dlam, u hekk ma jkollokx ghalfejn tisthi"
"Okay, dott" qaltlu, u tfew. Nezghet.
Wara ftit: "Fejn se npoggihom il-hwejjeg, tabib?"
Lehen it-tabib fid-dlam: "Fuq dan is-siggu, sinjorina... hdejn tieghi!"

Wiehed pazjent minn Kercem imur ghand it-tabib, u t-tabib jordnalu suppozitorji. Misthi l-pazjent jghidlu "Dawn kif nehodhom" u t-tabib biex jehles jghidlu, "Eh, iva, dawk applikahom fl-anus". Il-pazjent imhawwad imur id-dar, jghid lill-mara, "ara x'tani t-tabib... qalli napplikahom fl-anus" "X'jigifieri?" "Ma nafx" qallha, u dik mghaddba qaltlu "Mela erga' mur saqsih, l-ghoxx". Dak hekk ghamel, u t-tabib laqghu u spjegalu "Iva, hi, dawk tirritenihom fir-rectum almenu 20 minutes". Aktar imhawwad, il-pazjent rega' rrikorra ghand martu. U din regghet bghatitu...it-tabib kien se jitlef sabru, imma rega fehmu "Ara, sieheb, dawk trid tintroducihom fit-tarf tal-musrana l-kbira". Issa mghaddab il-pazjent mar ghand martu, qallha, "Isma' rega qalli kif imma ma fhimtux. Issa mhux se nerga' mmur ghax zgur se jibghatni ndahhalhom f'sormi!"

Adolf Hitler miet u ruhu waslet bieb il-genna, fejn waqqfu Sidna Gesu Kristu (Pietru kien bis-sick). "Yes?" qallu Kristu.
"Jiena Hitler u nixtieq nidhol il-genna" wiegbu l-Fuhrer.
"Hallina, man! Ma tarax, ha ndahhal lilek il-genna!"
"Ara" qallu Hitler minn taht l-ilsien, "jekk iddahhalni naghtik l-Iron Cross"
Kristu ghogbitu l-ideja, imma ttituba u qallu:
"Ara, zomm ha nkellem wahda lic-Chief"
Dahal gewwa u mar jghid lill-Missier Etern. Dan kif sema' bil-bicca nfexx jidhaq kemm jiflah.
"Iva x'gara, Pa!" staqsih imhawwad Kristu, "Dad-dahq kollu..."
"Ma tarax, ibni" qallu l-Missier jimsah id-dmugh minn ghajnejh,"u int b'salib ta' l-injam waqajt tliet darbiet, ahseb u ara b'wiehed tal-hadid!"

Furjaniz ghaddej fit-triq il-Belt, jiltaqa' ma siehbu jgorr pataflun kotba. Sorpriz jistaqsi lill-istudjuz:
"Ara, mela qed taghtiha ghall-qari issa?",
"Iva", wiegeb l-iehor, "qed nistudja l-logika"
"Xi tkun din?", saqsa tal-ewwel.
L-iehor qaghad jahseb ftit imbaghad qallu: "Ha nispjegalek b'ezercizzju interattiv: Inti ghandek akkwarjum?"
"Iva"
"U f'hiex iffakkrek l-akkwarjum?"
"Heqq, il-hut, fl-ilma, il-bahar..."
"Tajjeb, prosit, x'iktar..."
"...fis-sajf, fit-turisti, hheeehh fin-nisa'"
"Bravu...dik hi l-logika. Caw", u rhielha 'l hemm.
Dak l-iehor issumma, dahal fl-ewwel hanut tal-kotba, u battallu l-ixkafef mit-titli ta'Descartes, Newton u Russell. Iffissa bil-kbir u fi ftit xhur kien sar dabbler qawwi fil-logika, tant li kienu jistiednuh anke jaghti lekcers f'istituzzjonijiet prestigjuzi tal-hsieb modern madwar id-dinja. Mela xi sentejn wara l-ewwel inkontru dan tat-tieni jkun ghaddej fit-triq mitluf fil-hsieb, b'mazz kotba taht dirghajgh u jahbat ma wiehed ilu ma jarah. Dak qallu "Ojj, x'int taqra sabih?" Xott, xott dak wiegbu "Fuq il-logika"
"Din xi tkun?"
L-iehor haseb ftit u qallu "Ehhh...xjenza kbira, tghidx kemm jien intiz fiha, mhux bi ftahir imma nit qies awtorita' mondjali fil-qasam tieghi"
"Per ezempju?" ittantah l-iehor
"U jien naf, nghidu ahna, ma nafx: inti ghandek akkwarjum?"
"Le" qallu dak
"Mela inti omosesswali", u bewweg 'l hemm.....

Lill-psikjatra ghedtlu: "Dott haqq anna jien tghidx kemm sirt nitkellem hazin. Haqq anna l-kliem pastaz johrogli u ghalxejn haqq anna nipprova nzommhom. Dott, tista' tghidli haqq anna x'nista' naghmel?"
Il-psikjatra qalli li minn dak il-hin se jibda jiccargjani lira ta' kull 'haqq anna' li nghid. Qalli li f'minuta zgarrajt erba' darbiet u talabni Lm4. Tajtu Lm5 u ma kellux bqija. Ghedtlu: "Haqq anna, zommha...

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered in Malta and Gozo.
On the menu of a Mellieha restaurant:
--- Our wines leave nothing to hope for!

Outside a Valletta tailor shop:
--- Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Sliema dry-cleaners:
--- Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside an Ghar id-Dud dress shop:
--- Dresses for street walking.

In a St. Julian's elevator:
--- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Victoria, Gozo, tailor shop:
--- Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Marsalforn hotel:
--- The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In an Mqabba church:
--- It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

At a 'Karrozin' stand:
--- Take a horse-driven tour - we guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Birzebbuga laundry:
--- Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a St. Paul's Bay hotel:
--- Because of the impropriety of entertaining guest of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In the office of an Ghajnsielem doctor:
--- Specialist in women and other diseases.

"Miskin" qalet sinjura twajba lit-tallab, "Nisthajjel li hu terribbli tkun maghtub. Imma ahseb ftit kemm kont thun aghar kieku kont ghama." "Ghandek ragun Sinjura! Meta kont ghama kienu jtuni liri foloz."