Subject: Train boredom

So, I've had a piss, there was a good moment when I was inspecting the produce of my nose as a fellow passenger collected an in train magazine from the rack next to my seat and was suitably horrified, I've replied to all my urgent work emails and sent some banter to my colleague also currently on a train out of London. I'm bored now and there's still at least 1 1/2 hours before I get home. I've been up since 5am and there are some terrible blond Essex-esque hags two seats in front natterring about Gucchi stylez and fashion. Off-topic banter requested to pass the time please, else it may be murder on the Orient.

*awaits reports of a double murder on a train.

Would you believe it: they've moved on to simultaneously discuss the price of corsets whilst character assassinating chaps from work who've offended them. Whilst vigourously chewing gum.

Things to do to pass the time.

1) A good one.

Sit opposite someone and rock forwards and backwards while staring at them in the eyes. After a few minutes when that person has noticed it a few times (the more obvious the rocking the better), lean right into that persons face and say, perfectly calmly "You're one of them, aren't you??!"

Then get up and calmly walk to a different seat further down the carriage.

2) As a bloke, go up to a random woman and as if they will lend you a tampon. If you get one, return it near the end of the journey.

3) A truly great one but needs a prop. Works well in lifts too. Get some gummi bears, lick them and then stick them to other peoples faces.

The first works better, by running your hands through your hair, but stop halfway through, while rocking.

Spend the rest of the journey tearing a magazine/paper into tiny bits, and then at the end of the journey chuck it over some people!

Hmm. Interesting. Mrs 'just to be different' Smith 19 Briscoe Avenue, Loughborough has just ordered a taxi whilst loudly crowing to her mate about her Dolce and Gabbana shoes and relisting today's shopping purchasing inventory for the benefit of all in earshot (includes adjoining carriages). Tena Lady do free samples by post, right?

Fake a phone call to a mate. Start quiet, then proceed onto

"Loughborough, yeah. Briscoe Avenue. ...teen. Nah, no one's gonna be in. Just trust me, it'll be easy."

Or post on a dogging forum somewhere that there will be a no holds barred gangbang at that address tonight, and that only the first 20 blokes there will be allowed to join in no matter what they look like or what race they are.

That beats my idea.

They've just got off. Thankfully. that one would have been good though, especially if I were dressed as one of Santa's Elves.

Done it to an ex of mine who badmouthed me after we split up, timed it to perfection too. Her nan and grandad were over that night keeping her company because her mum and dad had gone away and she had just got out of hospital so couldnt be alone :)
Just wish I could have been there to see their faces :)

I reckon that's close to the truth. Queue jump for those presenting Selfridges vouchers at the door.

[whip]

Oh yeah. Nice disguise, you had me fooled this time; I didn't know they did stillettos in a size 12. See you when I see you - Monday night, Tescos car park?
;-)

I thought this post was going to be:

"I've been training boredom for the last five weeks, and only one trainee has popped from average to adequate. Is this a bug?"