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Subject: Jokes
rtg [del] to
All
cant believe we dont have a joke thread. anyway.
A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
>
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.
He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't
trust your judgment
when alcohol is involved!
A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
>
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.
He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't
trust your judgment
when alcohol is involved!
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and
says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell
they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
A man and a woman meet at a party
"Hello gorgeous"he said "What's your name?"
"Carmen" she replied.
"What a beautiful name, Your parents named you well"
"Actually" she said "I named myself, after the 2 most important things in my life"
"So,, what's your name?"
"B.J Titsangolf" he replied
(edited)
"Hello gorgeous"he said "What's your name?"
"Carmen" she replied.
"What a beautiful name, Your parents named you well"
"Actually" she said "I named myself, after the 2 most important things in my life"
"So,, what's your name?"
"B.J Titsangolf" he replied
(edited)
Saw this in freestyle, thought it was worth posting here.
What do you call a Scotsman with one foot in the door and one foot outside?
Hamish.
Hamish.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Scarborough,
parts of Leeds and everywhere in Wales
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Scarborough,
parts of Leeds and everywhere in Wales
Reekie doesn't get to press buttons with that kinda magnitude.
lol, but if i did then Wales would definately get taken out :)