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Subject: Jokes
lol, but if i did then Wales would definately get taken out :)
I heard fairy liquid are sponsoring Ross County. Something to do with them being excellent at getting scum out of your cups!!
Ouch. I felt that and Im not even a Celtic fan. Well done the County like. Just shows the old saying never underestimate your opponent is still true.
I heard that they sponsor Dundee United as well....
An English lawyer went duck hunting in the borders. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of Hadrians wall. As the lawyer climbed over the wall, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best lawyers in Europe and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The English lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old Scottish farmer. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer and said I go first.
He then booted him in the balls and the lawyer doubled over in excruciating pain. The second kick was straight to the face and bust his nose wide open. The lawyer was in major pain but was prepared to carry on, looking forward to his upcoming 3 kicks. The third kick by the farmer knocked the lawyers teeth out of his mouth.
After 20 minutes recovering time the lawyer stood up and said "Now it's my turn" to which the old farmer replied, "No it's not, I give up, here's your duck"
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best lawyers in Europe and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The English lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old Scottish farmer. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer and said I go first.
He then booted him in the balls and the lawyer doubled over in excruciating pain. The second kick was straight to the face and bust his nose wide open. The lawyer was in major pain but was prepared to carry on, looking forward to his upcoming 3 kicks. The third kick by the farmer knocked the lawyers teeth out of his mouth.
After 20 minutes recovering time the lawyer stood up and said "Now it's my turn" to which the old farmer replied, "No it's not, I give up, here's your duck"
A man in a Safeway store in Texas tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sold only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persisted, and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he would ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?'
'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
The very young produce assistant told him that they sold only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persisted, and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he would ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?'
'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
The Government is worried that mens penis's are getting smaller.
To find out how great the problem is, they have asked all men with a penis smaller than three inches to put a white flag with a red cross on their car
To find out how great the problem is, they have asked all men with a penis smaller than three inches to put a white flag with a red cross on their car
A man walked into the chemist to buy some condoms and was asked, "which kind do you want"?
"We have Flavoured, coloured, ribbed and Robert Greens"
"What are the Robert Green ones"? the man asked
The assistant replied, "They are extra slippery and you're guaranteed not to catch anything"
"We have Flavoured, coloured, ribbed and Robert Greens"
"What are the Robert Green ones"? the man asked
The assistant replied, "They are extra slippery and you're guaranteed not to catch anything"
Male Date-Drug,
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
For a video to see how Beer works click here......
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
For a video to see how Beer works click here......
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
FOR SALE- 1 polished chrome whistle an notebook, will swap 4 rangers season book, contact D Mcdonald(Edinburgh)
the missus flung me out yesterday after she caught me measurin ma dick,
it just reached the back of her sisters throat
it just reached the back of her sisters throat
granny an grandad sittin at the breakfast table, granny says "do u know, ma nipples r as hot 4 u 2day as they were 50 years ago" grandad replies "I'm no surprised, 1s in ur porridge the others in ur fuckin coffee"
woman wakes up after vaginal tuck to 3 bunches of flowers, 1st bunch fae surgeon wishin her luck, 2nd fae her husband sayin he can't wait 2 get her home, 3rd fae wee jimmy in the burns unit thankin her 4 the new ears
(edited)
(edited)