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Subject: Jokes
woman wakes up after vaginal tuck to 3 bunches of flowers, 1st bunch fae surgeon wishin her luck, 2nd fae her husband sayin he can't wait 2 get her home, 3rd fae wee jimmy in the burns unit thankin her 4 the new ears
(edited)
(edited)
I was in the company of Hugh Dallas last night, he told me this one.........
......Honest :)
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster
and ten hens
he kept them in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass,
he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village,
so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen
MY
cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Amen.
......Honest :)
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster
and ten hens
he kept them in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass,
he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village,
so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen
MY
cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Amen.
co op didn't have any milk again, no delivery due 2 the snow, luckily there's a pile of it outside my eldery neighbour doreens house!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They’re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They’re Carols".
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They’re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They’re Carols".
Swearing !
A wee 7 year old Aberdonian loon and his 5 year old brother are
Upstairs in their bedroom.
'De ye ken fit?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's aboot time we
Started sweering.' The 5 year old nods his head in approval.
'Fin we ging doonstairs fir breakfast am gan to swear first, then ye
Kin sweer after me, ok?'
'Aye!' the 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
For breakfast.
'A'll hae some of that Weetabix shit !'
*SMACK*!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and
Ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 5 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man????'
'I dinna ken,' he blubbers, 'but it winna be the fucking Weetabix!'
A wee 7 year old Aberdonian loon and his 5 year old brother are
Upstairs in their bedroom.
'De ye ken fit?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's aboot time we
Started sweering.' The 5 year old nods his head in approval.
'Fin we ging doonstairs fir breakfast am gan to swear first, then ye
Kin sweer after me, ok?'
'Aye!' the 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
For breakfast.
'A'll hae some of that Weetabix shit !'
*SMACK*!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and
Ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 5 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man????'
'I dinna ken,' he blubbers, 'but it winna be the fucking Weetabix!'
What's small, shiny and makes women want to have sex?
David Goodwillie's penknife !
David Goodwillie's penknife !
Weetabix one made me laugh, the penknife one, umm, I don't get it :(
If you are not getting it often enough you should carry a penknife too.
Sorry about that I'll get my coat.
Sorry about that I'll get my coat.
The Egyptian government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo. They've told their people to get in their cars, honk the horn and chill out.They're calling it.
TOOT-N-KALM-DOON !
TOOT-N-KALM-DOON !
PISS OFF WITH YOU SPAMMING EVERY FLIPPING THREAD WITH THAT LINK!
he is spamming everypossibly thread he can with that link
actually its everytime a different subsite on his webpage :p
Due to the eviction at Dale Farm the travellers have been offered an
alternative site at Celtic's Parkhead Stadium! Furious at the thought of
dirty, thieving, in-bred, semi literate animals living right on their
doorstep, the travellers have turned it down!!!!
alternative site at Celtic's Parkhead Stadium! Furious at the thought of
dirty, thieving, in-bred, semi literate animals living right on their
doorstep, the travellers have turned it down!!!!
It's being reported in the news today that Ally McCoist has asked for his old job back at Question of Sport. They still need to iron out some contractual details, appparently he has demanded to know the identity of the mystery guest before each episode......