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Subject: Jokes... ? ... :D
Long time has passed and no one posted any jokes so here we go... :D
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A young Jewish boy starts attending ublic school in a small town.
The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think eorge Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for."
She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
;-)
(edited)
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A young Jewish boy starts attending ublic school in a small town.
The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think eorge Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for."
She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
;-)
(edited)
כורדי אחד מקבל טלפון הביתה ומתחיל לבכות אשתו שואלת אותו מה קרה????
אז הוא עונה לה "אחותי התקשרה ואמרה לי שאבא נפטר"
כעבור כמה שעות מקבל הכורדי עוד שיחה ובוכה יותר מהפעם הרשאונה שואלת אותו שוב אשתו מה קורה????
הכורדי עונה לה "הפעם זה היה אחי גם אבא שלו נפטר"
(edited)
אז הוא עונה לה "אחותי התקשרה ואמרה לי שאבא נפטר"
כעבור כמה שעות מקבל הכורדי עוד שיחה ובוכה יותר מהפעם הרשאונה שואלת אותו שוב אשתו מה קורה????
הכורדי עונה לה "הפעם זה היה אחי גם אבא שלו נפטר"
(edited)
Alittle sad joke for those who are involved... :)
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> A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
> He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
> further and shouts: "Hello, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
> The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
> above this field."
> "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
> "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
> "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
> correct, but it's no use to anyone."
>
> The man below says "you must work in management."
> "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
> "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
> going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same
> position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
:)
----------------------------------
> A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
> He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
> further and shouts: "Hello, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
> The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
> above this field."
> "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
> "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
> "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
> correct, but it's no use to anyone."
>
> The man below says "you must work in management."
> "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
> "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
> going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same
> position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
:)
איש אחד נכנס לבית מרקחת עם חוט בידו
פונה לרוקח בבקשה: "סלח לי, את יכול לתת לי בבקשה קרם לחות?" ח
פונה לרוקח בבקשה: "סלח לי, את יכול לתת לי בבקשה קרם לחות?" ח
LOL
איש משליך זבל לנהר ורואה שילד שותה מהמים.
אומר לו האיש: אל תשתה מהנהר הזה.
הילד: "שו"?
האיש: בעצם אתה יודע מה שתה שתה
נחמד
איש משליך זבל לנהר ורואה שילד שותה מהמים.
אומר לו האיש: אל תשתה מהנהר הזה.
הילד: "שו"?
האיש: בעצם אתה יודע מה שתה שתה
נחמד
36 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
---------------------------------
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
3) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.
Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.
4) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
5) The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
6) All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7) It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
8) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
9) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
10) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
11) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
12) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
13) You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
14) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
15) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
16) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
17) When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18) Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
21) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
22) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
23) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.
24) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
25) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
26) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
27) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
29) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
30) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
31) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
32) No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
33) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
34) You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
35) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
36) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
:)
---------------------------------
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
3) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.
Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.
4) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
5) The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
6) All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7) It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
8) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
9) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
10) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
11) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
12) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
13) You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
14) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
15) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
16) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
17) When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18) Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
21) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
22) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
23) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.
24) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
25) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
26) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
27) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
29) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
30) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
31) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
32) No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
33) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
34) You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
35) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
36) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
:)
30) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
חחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחח!!!!!!!!
זה הכי חזק אני לא נושם
חחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחח!!!!!!!!
זה הכי חזק אני לא נושם
A Mother had three daughters.
After each daughters' wedding day, she asks each one of them to write back about their married life.
The first daughter got married.
On the second day a letter arrived with a single message... simply; "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE"
The Mother was confused until she finally noticed a Maxwell Advert, which said "Satisfaction to the last drop..." And Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married. After a week, there was a message that read; "ROTHMANS".
So the Mother looked to the Rothmans ad, and it said; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE"
And Mother was happy.
Then the third daughter got married. Mother was anxious. After 4 weeks came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"
Again, mother looked to the ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read; "TWICE A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
;-)
After each daughters' wedding day, she asks each one of them to write back about their married life.
The first daughter got married.
On the second day a letter arrived with a single message... simply; "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE"
The Mother was confused until she finally noticed a Maxwell Advert, which said "Satisfaction to the last drop..." And Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married. After a week, there was a message that read; "ROTHMANS".
So the Mother looked to the Rothmans ad, and it said; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE"
And Mother was happy.
Then the third daughter got married. Mother was anxious. After 4 weeks came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"
Again, mother looked to the ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read; "TWICE A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
;-)
How to handle a difficult customer...
Excellent handling of a difficult situation!
An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,(so that the passengers behind him could hear),
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".
:D
Excellent handling of a difficult situation!
An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,(so that the passengers behind him could hear),
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".
:D