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Subject: Jokes... ? ... :D
חחחחחחח קבלו בדיחה חזקה!!!!
http://www.ynet.co.il/articles/0,7340,L-3426168,00.html
http://www.ynet.co.il/articles/0,7340,L-3426168,00.html
חחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחחח
איזה ליצן
איזה ליצן
Why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
* No premarital sex.
* No booze. None. Never.
* No Fashion channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.
* No cable TV. No satellite TV. NO TV.
* No Hooters or other nude bars.
* No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!.
* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.
* No Victoria's Secret Stuff.
* Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
* Sand. *&^%** sand everywhere!
* More sand.
* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
* Sandstorms. More **$#@ sand everywhere!
* Rags for clothes and hats.
* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips
* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe your butt with your left hand.
* Constant crying from the neighbor next door.....no..wait, that's music!
* And when you die it's supposed to all get better...... No wonder They volunteer.
;-)
* No premarital sex.
* No booze. None. Never.
* No Fashion channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.
* No cable TV. No satellite TV. NO TV.
* No Hooters or other nude bars.
* No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- NO sports!!!.
* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.
* No Victoria's Secret Stuff.
* Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.
* Sand. *&^%** sand everywhere!
* More sand.
* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
* Sandstorms. More **$#@ sand everywhere!
* Rags for clothes and hats.
* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips
* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe your butt with your left hand.
* Constant crying from the neighbor next door.....no..wait, that's music!
* And when you die it's supposed to all get better...... No wonder They volunteer.
;-)
...and one more :)
-----------------------------
The Mystery of Jewish Optimism
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading a Nazi newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a Nazi newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find?
Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Nazi newspaper.
Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world.
The news is so much better!".
:)
-----------------------------
The Mystery of Jewish Optimism
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading a Nazi newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a Nazi newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find?
Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Nazi newspaper.
Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world.
The news is so much better!".
:)
חחחחחחח
הדשא של השכן תמיד ירוק יותר:)
למרות שעם כזה שכן הייתי גם לבד במדבר...
(edited)
הדשא של השכן תמיד ירוק יותר:)
למרות שעם כזה שכן הייתי גם לבד במדבר...
(edited)
Dedicated to all the married guys out there...
Discoveries
>>
>>Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
>>Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
>>
>>Man discovered colors, invented painting.
>>Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
>>
>>Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
>>Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
>>
>>Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
>>Woman discovered food, invented diet.
>>
>>Man discovered friendship, invented love.
>>Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
>>
>>Man discovered woman, invented sex.
>>Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
>>
>>Man discovered trade, invented money.
>>Woman discovered money, man was all fucked up after that.
Discoveries
>>
>>Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
>>Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
>>
>>Man discovered colors, invented painting.
>>Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
>>
>>Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
>>Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
>>
>>Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
>>Woman discovered food, invented diet.
>>
>>Man discovered friendship, invented love.
>>Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
>>
>>Man discovered woman, invented sex.
>>Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
>>
>>Man discovered trade, invented money.
>>Woman discovered money, man was all fucked up after that.
בדיחות צאק נוריס:
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
(edited)
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
(edited)