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Subject: Jokes... ? ... :D
בדיחות צאק נוריס:
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
(edited)
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
(edited)
50 COOL THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN
1. My ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. My orgasms are real. Always.
3. My last name stays put.
4. The garage is all mine.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. I never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell me the truth.
8. I don't give a rat's ass if someone notices my new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near my pubic area.
10. Same work ...more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. I don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $200.
14. If I retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at my chest when I'm talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle my feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with me in mind.
18. My pals can be trusted never to ask, "So, notice anything different?"
19. One mood, ALL the damn time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. I can open all my own jars.
24. I can go to a public toilet without a support group.
25. I can leave the motel bed unmade.
26. I get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
27. If someone forgets to invite me to something, we can still be friends.
28. My underwear is $18 for a three-pack.
29. If I'm 34 and single, nobody notices.
30. Everything on my face stays its original colour.
31. I can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
33. I don't have to clean my apartment if the cleaning lady is coming.
34. I can quietly watch a game with my buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".
35. No maxi-pads!
36. I don't mooch off other's desserts.
37. I can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.
39. I am not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
40. I don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
41. I almost never have strap problems in public.
42. I am unable to see wrinkles in my clothes.
43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
44. I don't have to shave below my neck.
45. My belly usually hides my big hips.
46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
47. I can "do" my nails with a pocket-knife.
48. I have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 10 friends, on December 24th, in 30 minutes.
50. The world is my urinal!
:)
1. My ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. My orgasms are real. Always.
3. My last name stays put.
4. The garage is all mine.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. I never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell me the truth.
8. I don't give a rat's ass if someone notices my new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near my pubic area.
10. Same work ...more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. I don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $200.
14. If I retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at my chest when I'm talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle my feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with me in mind.
18. My pals can be trusted never to ask, "So, notice anything different?"
19. One mood, ALL the damn time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. I can open all my own jars.
24. I can go to a public toilet without a support group.
25. I can leave the motel bed unmade.
26. I get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
27. If someone forgets to invite me to something, we can still be friends.
28. My underwear is $18 for a three-pack.
29. If I'm 34 and single, nobody notices.
30. Everything on my face stays its original colour.
31. I can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
33. I don't have to clean my apartment if the cleaning lady is coming.
34. I can quietly watch a game with my buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".
35. No maxi-pads!
36. I don't mooch off other's desserts.
37. I can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.
39. I am not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
40. I don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
41. I almost never have strap problems in public.
42. I am unable to see wrinkles in my clothes.
43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
44. I don't have to shave below my neck.
45. My belly usually hides my big hips.
46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
47. I can "do" my nails with a pocket-knife.
48. I have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 10 friends, on December 24th, in 30 minutes.
50. The world is my urinal!
:)
שתי בדיחות קרש שהרגו אותי מצחוק
בחומר ניקוי רשום "לא למאכל"
אז פשוט שתיתי אותו
אף אחד, כלום , וטמבל שטים בסירה
פתאום אף אחד נופל למים
כלום בא להתקשר למשטרה
ואומר לו טמבל, "עזוב אני יתקשר במקומך"
טמבל מתקשר: "הלו משטרה? אני טמבל
אף אחד נפל למים והתקשרתי בשביל כלום"
בחומר ניקוי רשום "לא למאכל"
אז פשוט שתיתי אותו
אף אחד, כלום , וטמבל שטים בסירה
פתאום אף אחד נופל למים
כלום בא להתקשר למשטרה
ואומר לו טמבל, "עזוב אני יתקשר במקומך"
טמבל מתקשר: "הלו משטרה? אני טמבל
אף אחד נפל למים והתקשרתי בשביל כלום"
I just saw a funny exchange in the international forum and it went like this...
Q: What happens when a player retires?
A: He goes to HT !
:D lol...
Q: What happens when a player retires?
A: He goes to HT !
:D lol...
49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 10 friends, on December 24th, in 30 minutes.
This is not true....
This is not true....
yes it is
have you ever been in an american mall?
in 10 minutes i would have sold you 15 kits of dead sea salts
5 kits of rainbow art for the kids
and 7 warming pillows for you grandparents etc...
:)
have you ever been in an american mall?
in 10 minutes i would have sold you 15 kits of dead sea salts
5 kits of rainbow art for the kids
and 7 warming pillows for you grandparents etc...
:)
אחרי 7000 הודעות פרשתי בכמה כיף להיות גבר אני אמשיך לקרוא בקרוב
מעניין עוד איזה נושאים היו לפני זמני ששווים צפיה :)
מעניין עוד איזה נושאים היו לפני זמני ששווים צפיה :)
no, it isn't, 'cause in 24th december all the shops are closed, only emergency drug-store and some gas stations are open... So I don't know if you want to buy your friends aspirin or glass of oil... I you don't mind what to buy them, it's only relatively possible, otherwise not...
we dont need 2 jokes topics....
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